


Finding A Way To Move Forward

by brokenhighways



Series: Finding Happiness [4]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 10:40:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2306726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is forced to face his past demons when Jared's former landlord somehow finds out where they live. (Jensen POV).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding A Way To Move Forward

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to soncnica for the beta! This isn't the last part and I promise that this verse will end on a happy (ish) note. Sorry for being slow to respond to comments on the last part! ICYW, there's probably going to be two more parts left of this verse to go ;)

Jensen's rummaging through his pockets, looking for a twenty as the cab driver waits expectantly. Two years ago he would have no problem batting his eyelids and paying in another way, but the mere thought of doing that nauseates him. He decides to go for the honest option. 

"Sorry, but that's all I've got." The driver turns in his seat and eyes him warily. It's New York City, so Jensen imagines that he gets this a lot. He usually doesn't get cabs, not when there's buses that cost a lot less but this was more of an impromptu journey. 

"Who are you here to see?" The guy jerks his head towards the window, where the sign for the prison stands. 

"My mom," Jensen says simply. The guy nods. 

"Go on, get outta here." Jensen doesn't hang about. He opens the door, offers a hasty thanks and makes his way in. He doesn't know why he's here, or why he felt like this was where he needed to be. He's angry, he's hurt and...maybe he just needs his mom. Not for comfort but to tell her a few things.There was no point in asking Jared to call his parents if he can't even sit in front of his mother and tell her some home truths. 

He goes through all of the security checks and finds himself in the waiting room. All around him, people are visiting their wives, sisters, girlfriends, whatever. Jensen hates it, hates the way he always feels stifled in this place. His mom's been talking about an appeal but he doesn't believe it. He doesn't even know if he believes that she's innocent. It's not like it makes a difference. She's still in this place. She's still missed half of his life. 

"You look rough." The chair legs scrape against the floor as she pulls it out and takes a seat. He looks up at her but he doesn't smile or say hello. In many ways he's always going to be the guy who was dragged in here a few years ago only because her lawyer begged him to. Sometimes he feels as though he's visiting a stranger because he doesn't know her, and she doesn't know him. They're just two people who sit here each time and lie to each other. 

"I take it that you didn't just stop by to have a chat?" 

"I need your help," he admits. "And you might not like it. But if you want me to come here again you'll do it and you won't ask me any questions." 

"What do you need me to do?" she asks simply. Jensen glances around to see if anyone is watching and leans forward when he’s satisfied that the guards aren’t paying close attention. 

“I need to get rid of someone,” he says. “And I was wondering if you knew anyone who can help me out.”

Breaking up with Jared means a lot of things but this is perhaps one of the most important. If...if they're not going to be together then Jensen has to make sure that Jared's safe. That means that he can’t let the fact that Jared’s skeevy landlord has been watching them for the past two weeks, ever since they moved into the new place, go by him. While he knows that he should tell Jared, that’s kind of hard to do when they haven’t said a word to each other since the day that he ended things. He doesn’t know if Jared’s angry or upset, or relieved but...he does know that he can’t stay. Not forever. But he can’t leave, not while this guy is hanging around waiting for a chance to make his move. 

“Why would you want to get rid of someone?” his mom asks. “Do you owe them money?” Jensen could say yes and it wouldn’t be a lie. However, he doubts that his mom has five grand lying around or that she’s going to just hand it over so he can pay some small time crook. If he gives the guy money then there’s nothing to say that he won’t come back, claiming that Jared _still_ owes him. Jensen’s been around the block enough times to know that the man isn’t after money. He’s also been through enough in the last two years that offering _himself_ isn’t an option ever. That isn’t his life anymore and he’s not going to let anyone destroy that for him. 

“Something like that,” Jensen replies after a long silence. 

She sighs and taps her fingers on the table. “You’ve got to give me more than that.” Her lawyer gave him a very stern talk when they first met about saying things that might ‘unsettle’ her. Apparently him keeping her sweet meant she’d have a better chance at her appeal or something, he’d stopped listening after ‘be nice’. It’s not that he doesn’t care, he just...can’t understand why he has to be the one walking around on eggshells after everything, after the fate that she consigned him to. Everything she did demarcated exactly how his life would pan out and she has to know that. There’s no way on Earth that she could possibly believe the lies that he’s been telling her and the fact that she hasn’t asked for the truth hurts in a way that he can’t explain. She’s _supposed_ to care, she’s _supposed_ to be his mom. The anger that he pushes down every day surges up and erupts right there as he sits across from her. His eyes narrow as he glares at her. 

“How about this? When I was twelve, you got yourself sent to jail, leaving me with a foster father whose idea of recreational activities was testing out the strength of his belt.”

“--What does that have to do with yo--”

“Let me finish.” He cuts her off swiftly, and she stops, snorting incredulously as she leans back in her chair. She motions for him to continue and he hesitates momentarily. It’s a split second decision, whether or not to finally come clean and it’s her nonchalance that does it. The fact that she seems to think that she can just get away with checking out of his life. 

“I ran away to the next city. Just got on a bus, with no money, no clean clothes, nothing.” Her face smoothes out into a blank expression, and he wonders what she’s thinking, if she feels _anything_. “I met this guy and he gave me a place to stay, it was nice for a while. I was happy to be off the streets. But then he made me...do things, and eventually, I managed to get out. The only trouble is that I was back on the streets and I had nothing. So I started sleeping with people for money. And before I got out of that situation, I pissed off the wrong guy and now I need to get rid of him somehow.” It’s not the full story, and he doubts that he’ll ever tell her the full story. He just can’t do it to her, no matter how much of an awful mother she’s been. She’s still his mom, and...she’s the only one that he’s got. 

“Do things?” is what she chooses to focus on first. “What things?” 

Jensen shrugs. “It doesn’t really matter, does it? It happened. You weren’t there. End of the story.”

“That isn’t even half of the actual story, Jensen,” she replies. “I’m not an idiot.”

“Oh, I don’t know. You managed to end up in here didn’t you?”

“Jensen…”

“Don’t,” he hisses angrily. “Don’t act like I owe you anything, least of all _respect_. This is your fault. Everything is your fault. All of it. Did you even care that I was gone while you were in here, with warm meals and a warm bed? Did you?” 

“I’m sorry.” He’s heard this before. Two words that mean nothing. Words that don’t alleviate the pain that he feels, or rid him of the memories that he is faced with every single day. They don’t change the fact that he feels as if he’s breaking in two, and all he wants is to make sure that this guy is out of the picture so that he can move on. 

“I can call Jeff, and see if he can help out,” she says. “These fancy law firms aren’t as legit as they pretend to be, and...well, he’s on my parents dime so we might as well utilise that. And I can talk to them about maybe helping you out. They...they’d love to meet you. I haven’t told them that you’re visiting yet because I didn’t think you’d appreciate it.” 

Jensen frowns at the mention of her parents. He wasn’t even aware that she was in contact with them. “I thought that they disowned you?”

She laughs bitterly. “Oh, they did but...they were my emergency contacts and when I was hospitalised they were called and…I haven’t been able to shake them off since. They pretend like they’ve done nothing wrong and I go along with it because...deep down inside I’m still that sixteen year old girl, desperate for her mom and dad to tell her that everything’s going to be okay.”

“I don’t want their help,” Jensen says, because all of this is starting to become too much. Too personal. “And when you call Jeff, tell him to call me.” He stands up to leave, but she grabs his wrist and gives him a pleading look. 

“Wait,” she says desperately. “Just wait. What’s up with you? You seem...sad. And I know that your life isn’t exactly a picnic but this seems different. Has something happened?” For a moment, Jensen’s thrown back to a time where his mom would know when something was wrong, she’d know what to say when he asked why he didn’t have a dad like the other kids, or why he couldn’t get the latest games, or the same expensive sneakers like the other kids. Fragments of memories. And that’s all they are, fragments of a life that he once had. He shakes her hand off him but stays in his seat. 

“Ask me how much of what I told you about my life is real.” 

She doesn’t miss a beat. “I’m guessing that none of it was real except for...Jared. You got this look on your face when you mentioned him. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together.” 

He told her about Jared just because it made sense to include him in the elaborate lie he was concocting, especially when things were still new with them and they were having trouble readjusting to life as normal people. It’s funny how that turned out. 

“Yeah, well...we broke up a couple of weeks ago and everything is still kind of hectic because we moved in together on that day,” he says slowly. It’s not like he has anyone else to talk to. Danneel doesn’t really know his situation so she doesn’t get it and he can’t exactly talk to Jared. He might as well talk to his convict mother. 

“What happened?”

“I met him on the streets and I...did a lot of things that I’m not proud of, but we got out. I had some money saved up and we used it to get away and get out of the game. I guess we were naive to think that all of our problems would go away just because we weren’t fucking strangers every night.”

“I don’t have the best track record with guys,” his mom says. “But all I can say is that if you truly think that you’re better off apart then maybe it’s for the best. If you want to be with him then...don’t let anything get in your way.” It’s not great advice but after fifteen years of _nothing_ , Jensen’s willing to take it. 

“Thanks,” he replies. “Can I go now?” He smiles at her a little to show that he’s joking, but there’s something in her eyes. Sadness or...some other depressing kind of emotion that he can’t name. He takes a breath as he steels himself for the words that are about to come. 

“I hope that you two can work things out, I really do. You...it seems like you really love him,” she says quietly. “And I don’t want you to be alone again if you don’t have to. You said that everything was my fault and you’re right.”

“I didn’t mean that.” It’s another lie but he can’t help it. This is what he does. He _lies_ to spare other people, to save them from feeling shitty about anything relating to him. He’s not worth it. He’s used, he’s dirty and...he’s no good to anyone. His mom clings onto him because she doesn’t really have anyone else, but apart from that Jensen feels like he could disappear tomorrow and it wouldn’t really matter. 

“Yes, you did,” she says. “And I deserved to hear you say that. I’ve spent so much time in here feeling sorry for myself, but you’re right. I’ve had it easy in here while my baby was out there suffering because of _me_. You asked if I cared that you’d gone. Of course I did. It almost killed me. They kept coming back and saying that they hadn’t found you and that they didn’t know where you could be. They put you on a fucking milk carton. If I was to pick a specific moment where I finally realised that I’d failed you, it would be that day. You running away, I could handle, but the fact that there wasn’t a single person you could have gone to is what did it. I know that ‘sorry’ isn’t enough, and that I’ll never be able to make it up to you, but there wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t think of you. Not one day.” 

There are tears streaming down her face as she finishes and Jensen can’t trust himself to speak, so he sits there, breathing out deeply as he ignores the painful lump in his throat. The wounds are still too raw and he’s not ready to do this, not now, maybe not ever. Her being sorry isn’t enough and he doubts that it ever will be. He might be able to forgive her one day but he won’t be able to _forget_.

He stands up to leave once again. “Tell Jeff to give me a call.”

~

By the time Jensen gets home, it’s almost three in the morning and he’s exhausted from walking all the way home after he’d gotten off the second bus. The only good thing to come out from his day is the phone call from Jeff. He isn’t sure if it is the best idea but there’s no way he can take on Jared’s former landlord on his own. The guy has a whole bunch of crooks doing his bidding for him, and Jensen’s not stupid enough to take a knife into a gunfight. Now he just has to decide whether or not to tell Jared. On one hand, he doesn’t want Jared to worry, but on the other, this is what Jared’s been talking about. 

His need to _take care of everything_.

Jared’s waiting on the couch when Jensen enters the apartment. The lights are off and there’s silence but Jensen knows that he’s there the second that he walks in. Jared’s finally ready to talk again and Jensen almost wants to laugh at the irony of it all because he’s done enough talking today and he’s not sure if now’s the time for this. For once, there are things _other_ than their fucked up relationship that they have to worry about. 

“You’re home late,” Jared says so softly that Jensen almost doesn’t hear him. “I wanted to talk.” 

After two weeks of nothing, Jensen almost doesn't want to hear it. Especially after the conversation with his mom. He's done enough soul-searching for one day. 

"Can it wait until tomorrow?" he asks. "I'm tired." 

"Actually, it can't," Jared says quickly. "I know that I should be sorting my own stuff out by myself but we have a problem. I spotted someone I knew from...before. He's been parked outside since ten."

"Luckily for you, I'm dealing with it." Jensen leaves it there. 

"But, he's _still_ parked outside." Jensen starts to think that he did a shitty job by constantly protecting Jared from every little threat and dealing with all of his shit. At this rate, Jared would probably lose in a fight against a ham sandwich.

"So go and deal with it." Jared throws his hands up in disbelief. It kind of looks like he's in the middle of an impassioned prayer and Jensen almost snorts at the irony of it all. 

"Oh, I'll just scare him away with what? My impressive fighting skills?" Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose. His head is pounding and he's tired. He doesn't want to deal with this now. Funny that when Jared decides to start speaking to him again, it's over this bullshit that he's already gone out of his way to deal with.

"There's a baseball bat under the sink. Go use that," he says. "I'm going to bed."

"A baseball bat? You're kidding, right? What am I supposed to do with one of those?" After counting backwards from ten stalls somewhere around the ‘seven’ mark, Jensen finally loses his cool. 

"You know what? If it'll get you to shut up, I'll give you a little tutorial." 

Without waiting for a response, he marches into the kitchen and retrieves the baseball bat. He turns and pushes past Jared, moving towards the door angrily. By the time he's outside and making his way across the street in the direction of the alleyway that the security cameras don't cover, Jared's hot on his heels, yelling for him to stop. He spots the car right away; it's some sleek, black model and it's empty. 

"He's not here," Jared points out unnecessarily. "Let's just go back inside. Come on, Jensen. Don't do anything stupid." Jensen responds by smashing the drivers window in, not stopping until all of the glass is lying in a pile of shards. He moves into the back window and smashes that one too, revelling in the adrenaline rush he's in the midst of. It feels good to just take out all of the anger and stress of the past few weeks on the car. He doesn’t even care how reckless he’s being, all he’s focused on is damaging the car until he feels as though he’s ready to stop. He ignores Jared’s cries of protest and continues, barely aware of the fact that he’s cut his hand on some of the jagged glass. He's smashing the windscreen in when a tall, dark-haired figure emerges with what looks like a takeout container in his hand. The momentary lapse gives Jared a chance to wrench the bat from his grasp and Jensen stumbles as the weight is lifted from his hands.

"Go back inside," Jared says, in a voice that Jensen's never heard him use before. He sounds absolutely _furious_ , which shouldn't be a surprise but it is, after all he was the one concerned about the car remaining outside. Jensen turns and leaves without saying a word to either of them. 

He's going to bed. 

~

Morning comes in the form of a creaky door being opened and then slammed shut. Jensen sits up blearily and stretches his neck. He glances at his clock, grimacing when he reads 08:54. He's probably going to be fired from his job - again. 

"You might want to fix that," Jared says as he perches on the dresser. "And I called your boss and told her that you were sick. You're welcome."

"I would thank you but I get the feeling that you had an ulterior motive." He avoids Jared's gaze by propping up his pillow against the headboard and sitting up properly. He catches sight of a scratch on his hands and it all comes flipping back to him. His mom, the baseball bat, everything. 

"We need to talk," Jared says. "And I was going to start of by saying how sorry I am and all of that shit but I think I need you to explain last night to me first."

"I got pissed off so I smashed out your little friends car. Seems kind of self-explanatory to me." 

"You said that you were dealing with it when I told you that they'd found me. You didn't think it was important to tell me?"

Jensen laughs bitterly. "You're kidding right? What exactly would you have done, Jared? Get all of your little friends to help you take this creep on? You didn't even notice that they've been watching you for the last two weeks. It didn't even occur to you that maybe you should be careful where you move. No, you leave all of that to me, the same way you always do. And then when things get hard, you're quick to pass blame and put everything on me. You know, the thing I regret most is not letting you leave when you wanted to. It would have been the best thing for both of us."

"This isn't about us, Jensen, it's about the asshole that we ran away from," Jared says as he shifts around uncomfortably. It's the classic Jared deflection; putting things off until _he_ wants to talk about it or deal with it and Jensen's out of patience. His anger turns into vapor and he just sits there. 

"That asshole that _you_ ran away from. I was just the idiot who went with you, and look where it’s gotten me? I didn't tell you because you actually seem to think that you’re happy here. Doing this whole normal living thing. My idea of normal is fucking guys for money and dealing drugs out of an outdated bomber jacket. I don't fit some shiny 9-5 mould, or fit in with those shiny, plastic people you have as friends. I'm damaged and broken and all this time, I thought that you were okay with it. That you loved me for who I was, not for who you would eventually turn me into." 

The thing is that Jensen's felt this way since the start. He's loved Jared from the start. They were friends first and Jensen never wanted to lose that. It's why he never told Jared how he felt and why he never acted on it apart from a few drunken fumbles here and there. That's why everything Jared's done and said in the past few months hurts so much. He gave himself to Jared completely only to have his flaws thrown back in his face, flaws that Jared's supposed to help him with not condemn him for. He can forgive Jared a lot of things, but not acting as if he's a whole new person, and behaving like he's so damn perfect when he's just as screwed up. 

"I do!" Jared insists. "I...I guess I just panicked and maybe I was wrong---"

Jensen cuts him off. "Maybe? You've spent the last two months doing everything in your power to make me feel some kind of way about myself. First it's that I need more friends. Then it's that we need space. It's been inference after inference. You're self-centered, Jared and you know what? It's okay." 

"I'm sorry, okay?" Jared says. "You're right."

"You're just saying that."

"I'm not," Jared insists. "I've been horrible for a while and while some of what I said is genuinely true, I got it into my head that you were the way you are because of me. And you hit the nail on the head when you said that you wish I asked about your life. I don't and part of it is because I didn't think you'd say much but...part of it is about me wanting to wallow in self-pity because of the hand I've been dealt."

"Jared, I...I get that you want to explain and that you're sorry but we're not getting back together so I'm not sure that this even matters." 

"You don't mean that," Jared says quietly. "We both _need_ each other." 

"No, I need to figure out how to live my life without the shadows of my past haunting me," Jensen says. "What you need to do is call your parents." 

~

For some reason, Jeff insists on meeting Jensen at the prison. He thinks it's something to do with wanting to boosts his mom's appeal prospects but he finds that he doesn't really care. He needs something concrete to tell Jared about all of this business with the old landlord. Jeff, while being a lawyer at some fancy firm, is probably the best guy to get the job done. He certainly went through his fair share of dodgy people before finding Jensen, that's for sure. 

"Nice to see you again, kid," Jeff says when they meet outside the prison entrance. "And thanks for meeting me here. I had a friend speak to the guy giving you trouble. He won't bother you again, unless..." He trails off, and the implications become clear. 

"Unless what?"

Jeff smiles easily. "All I need you to do is to visit your mom more often. Hell, bring that nice boyfriend of yours to see her if you think you can't fake it for an hour."

"We broke up," Jensen replies tersely. 

"Oh," Jeff says in a tone that says he couldn't care less. "Come on let's go. We'll figure something out with your mom." 

~

Weeks fly by, and Jared seems to realise that Jensen isn't in the mood to discuss their relationship or the baseball bat incident and he eases up with the intense conversations. His mom also stops trying to get into his head about what happened when he was a kid, though that's only because he threatens to stop visiting her in prison. 

In an ideal situation Jensen would have packed his bags and left but he's stuck here, at least for a little while. He can't leave his mom, can't exactly afford to rent a place in this city on his own. 

And as he watches on as Jared sleeps soundly on the couch, he realises that he doesn't actually mind staying. If there's one thing that's remained clear and true in the past couple of months, it's that he loves Jared. For all of his talk about Jared learning to protect himself, it's always going to be a natural instinct for him. He's not going to abandon the only friend that he's ever made. Besides, he's _in_ love with Jared and that's probably never going to change. 

**Fin**.

_Next up: Jensen finally starts to make his own friends and he and Jared manage to take a step in the right direction._


End file.
